So I guess I have decided to start one of these, in the past I have shied away from blogging because it seems self indulgent, I mean who really wants to read everything I am thinking? I don't know, but I guess I am doing this for myself, so that I can look back on ideas that I have had and also to try and think through things, because sometimes it can make more, or less, sense when trying to relate it to someone else. Don't know if or when I am going to tell anybody to come check this out, so for now its just me.
Since I have had a lot more time to myself lately I have been doing more thinking and examining myself, which I have done a lot in the past but not as much lately, I tend to struggle with balancing living inside my own head and also living life with other people in it, my life that is not my head. The thoughts and ideas that have been in my mind the last few days have been mostly centered around the same ideas and one central one is brokenness. I tried to write down some ideas that I had earlier and came to find that when I tried to write that time I was not in the right place, so hopefully I am so more now.
We are all broken, all in our own way, we are born this way and we pass this on to our children, it is both a curse and a blessing I feel. The curse of it is obvious, that trying to live a broken life you will find your share of obstacles, and the blessing is that these obstacles make us into who we are, they show us what we are made of, who we run to for help, and they help us connect to one another. How can we have sheer joy if we do not know agony, these emotions bind us to one another. But best of all there is the way that when you really open up yourself to someone else and share your brokenness with another you can form a connection that is indescribable, emotional incredible. And if we can share that with one another it only takes a little more to find the greatest connection there is, the one with God. Opening up your brokenness to him can seem the hardest thing, you think "how can he understand, he's perfect?" But it is in his perfection that he does understand, he can truly forgive us, without harboring any ill feelings, imagine that, that is something we could never do. And when I find myself lingering on these thoughts I become emotionally charged, that is the only way that I can think to quantify the feelings that I have. It all comes down to Love, and as I grow older and learn more, experience life and relationships with other people the stronger the feelings get. Actually when I think about it, life is relationships, with God, family, friends, and even people you barely know. We are bound together and it is by love, and that love that we feel for one another is only a glimmer of what God has, of what he feels for us, and I don't think we can ever understand just how awesome he is.
I know that I tend to ramble and when I write I find myself on tangents or I think I'll come back to that later and then later I have forgotten what the point I wanted to come back to was, and I write plenty of unnecessary things, like this to keep my flow of thought going, because I write like I talk.
One of the ways that these ideas have come up in my head is from watching movies and TV shows and reading books. Other people's stories, whether real or fiction is where I find that I learn so much from. I become emotionally invested in these characters and find myself think of things I may not have come up with on my own. These stories can be used as an escape, even the depressing ones for me, because even then you are focusing on someone else's problems. But in the end I am always drawn in to a place where these other people reflect upon my own life and I see things from outside of myself and start to put things together I may not have before. Art to me is emotion, or at least that is what the truest form of it is, nowadays it seems to be self serving sometimes. It is meant to connect us, to be an expression of how the artist is feeling, which when experienced by someone else brings out things that they didn't know they were feeling or helps them to tap more into.
All of that brings me to where I am now. Working a crappy, ok its not that bad, part time job trying to chase a career in the arts. Because I feel so connected to what art does, maybe I am just a really emotional person, which I think I am and I am glad I am on the happier end of the spectrum and not really moody all the time. So I want to be a part of art, I want to do for others what has been done for me through art. That is where I find myself, I could have gone on to a top notch college and got a degree in something "useful," school came pretty easy to me for the most part, but what interested me most is human drama for lack of a better term, the way that I story comes together, and the characters in that story are so much more complex and interesting than so many other things that I could have pursued. So that is where I find myself. I think art helps us understand ourselves and others and is the most effective way of communication.
